IHOP it ain't

 

Punakaiki is known for its pancakes. Rocks that is.

Mother Nature has gotten a bad rap recently with hurricanes, earthquakes and tsunamis, but it can also create some very cool things. This is just one of them.

 



 

Syrup not included.

Two-for-one

Everything is unbelievable in NZ. They can't even have regular rainbows. Refrain from regurgitating YouTube phenom "double rainbow" guy and enjoy this for what it's worth.

Tackling the Fox Glacier is listed under "Extreme New Zealand" according to Lonely Planet, and since I never believe anything I read (but you should believe me), I needed to see if it lived up to its category. Before going extreme, I needed to look the part.

 Leave it to me to attempt to ascend it on one of the rainiest days since my arrival.

The positive side of the rain was that it revealed the blue in the ice. The bad, is that it made the ice even slipperier. Nevertheless, I made it back in one piece. Sort of.  Photos of enormous black and blues to come.

(fake smile to mask my achy muscles.)

It's all wine and ... [berries]

After a tough day of cycling around the Marlborough region of NZ, what better way to unwind and relax than with (another) glass of red and a bean bag.

Cycling wasn't all wine and bean bags. The wind that cuts through NZ can literally be breathtaking (the wind from the Tasman sea and South Pacific battle it out and the nooks and crannies funnel it thru.) A surprise bonus was a little strawberry farm that had the absolute best strawberries I have ever tasted!

Too bad you weren't there to taste them for yourself ...

The great, big, green blob

I have taken hundreds of landscape photos of New Zeland's breathtaking vistas, but my iphone camera doesn't capture the near majesty of it. If you want to see NZ as something other than a great, big, green blob I suggest you rent Lord of the Rings since clearly Peter Jackson I ain't.  So - against my better judgement - I share with you my inner Ansel Adams:

By the way, the one element the movie didn't showcase are the scary roads snaking around the mountains. This is probably why you only see hobbits walking and not driving.

Tidbits

Cairns is a funny little place. Admission for entry seems to be: flipflops, sunglasses, t-shirts (optional) and tattos, but no one goes to the beach. And there's good reason for it.

Apparently being 150 feet underwater surrounded by sharks is much safer than playing chicken with a croc off the shoreline.

This faux-beach town also has a few other quirks with the most noticeable being the high number of mental health facilities. These "service centers" are the Starbucks of Cairns.

 Perhaps I should start a franchise of McDepressions.

Down under, Downunder

Cairns is in northern, tropical Victoria and is the primary lauching pad for scuba divers heading out to the Great Barrier Reef. I joined 15 other divers for a 2-night, 3-day journey to the GBR so I cound tick off one of my bucket list items. Since I was spending more time underwater than above it, I didn't mind sharing a room the size of a closet with 6 other people. This photo shows the biggest bunks in the room (the others had less head space and were much narrower.

 

 

My only problem with my diving experience was fish names. The diver masters (and my fellow divers) were from all over the world and while they knew the names of the various fishes, they knew them in their native tongue. For example, in English we know it as "shark" but in Swedish it is "haj."

There were a lot of haj in the GBR but you'll have to wait for those photos to get developed the old fashioned way. Until that time, you can enjoy what 3 days on a boat with limited showers did to me.

 



The Outback Fakehouse?

I have been all over Sydney and have seen thousands of Asian, fish and organic restaurants, but haven't found one "bloomin' onion." If it weren't for the Opera House, I would have thought I landed in the wrong place.

The Glyndebourne Identity

Glyndebourne. It's not in Afghanistan or Vietnam or India or Africa or anywhere else I usually travel, but I mention it because it is an experience I am most likely never to have again. It is in the southeast of Britain and renowned for its opera "festival" (or in opera terms, its "season"). The story goes that years ago a Lord, married to a woman who fancied herself a soprano, built her a venue to sing in. He would bring in tenors and supporting cast so she could star in her own operas. They would invite their closest friends and soon word spread that this was something that one absolutely must go to. Over the years, the venue has rebuilt and rebuilt to accommodate the overflow of opera lovers to what it is today. The snag? It is set in the idyllic British countryside which is victim to the most onerous of criminals: British weather. Imagine these black-tied guests, whose butlers have set up picnic tables replete with table linens and silver candelabras and crystal flutes, having to run for shelter when the weather turns (it's actually kind of hilarious). This means jumping over quickly forming puddles (and sometimes sheep) to get to some shelter. Then there is the problem is having to sit through the opera with wet and muddied shoes and clothes. But nothing is worse that having to deal with either a boring show or snoring seat mate (my apologies to my seat mates!).

Roughing it

I admit that after living in Afghanistan, the idea of roughing it in the wilds of Africa slightly concerned me. After all, I had promised myself at least a 5 year reprieve of sleeping in a sleeping bag and using ad hoc toilets. Then I got to Ishasha Wilderness Camp. The area of Ishasha is known for tree lions which are really just regular lions who like to climb trees. Most lions do it, but this area has the best trees (acacia and fig) for the lions to rest in.

The camp has nine tents and can handle between 20-25 people. The only rule is once the sun sets and it is dark, you need to be walked back to your tent with an armed guard and stay in your tent until daybreak. It is the price you pay for sleeping in the wild. This said, the staff wakes you in the morning with free brewed coffee (tent-service) and the caretakers of the camp (a lovely Rhodesian/Zimbabwean couple named Dave and Karen) made the most delicious walnut cookies I have ever tasted. You have to use bottled water for everything and the idea of internet is laughable. Although, as an aside, a few months ago, Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen stayed here with his posse (they arrived via helicopters), and for the two days they spent here, they wired most of this tiny portion of Uganda. Their helicopters also scared off the elephants for nearly two weeks after their departure. As for the accommodations, I will let the pictures speak for themselves (needless to say, I would do more camping if more camping where like this).

Plus, it's Africa, so it was too hot to need a sleeping bag.

It's not UGAYnda

Uganda recently passed an anti-domestic violence bill which (finally) protects women from their abusive husbands. On the heels of this progressive move, Parliament also drafted a bill which would criminalize homosexuality. Not only would homosexuals be fined, jailed or worse (and how do you go about proving it?), but their family members would also be held liable for accepting them. This draft passed Parliament and is heading to the President for his sign off. Should he agree with the draft, Parliament would officially draw up the measure and presumably vote it through. What seems counter intuitive to me about this measure is that it is perfectly acceptable to see grown men holding hands with one another as they walk down the street, so I assume the government doesn't mind if "friends" do it, they just don't want it to be boyfriends or girlfriends. Why can't we all just be friends and call it a day?

Gorillas in my midst

I travelled to the Congo-Uganda border to penetrate the Bwindi Impenetrable Forrest. Uganda says that they have the most remaining mountain gorillas in the world and most of them live here at Bwindi. For years, and as Dian Fossey found out the hard way, mountain gorillas were poached, but not for anything collectible. The mountain locals (many of whom are pygmies) killed them either for bush meat or killed them because they are a symbol of "bad luck." While the government of Uganda continues to try to get its act together, the one area that they do seem committed to is the preservation of the mountain gorilla. They only allow 24 permits a day to visit Bwindi and of those visiting, you have to clear a doctor's check list in order to go (as gorillas can contract any number of human diseases). If you are turned back, you have travelled however thousands of miles, see no gorillas, and only get a 40% refund of your permit fee. Bottom line, don't get sick!

We began our trek up the dense mountain in the morning after learning what we needed to in a pre-trek briefing (most of which you can read about in a previous post). There were 8 people in my group, along with various porters (who help carry your bags and push you up the mountain), two mountain guides and two armed men from the Ugandan Army. The Army personnel carry AK-47s in case something bad were to happen (if a tourist is killed by a gorilla, the feeling is that business will suffer), but they have been trained to first shoot in the air to scare off the impending attack.

My porter was Milton and he is 24 years old and has lived in Bwindi his entire life. I didn't really think I needed a porter, but once I saw the grade I would be climbing, the muddied and overgrown path (and because it helps out the local economy for a price of $15), I relented. A few hours before we started our trek, two trackers went up before us to visit the last place this gorilla group was. We were going to find a family of 19 gorillas with one silverback. Recently there were two silverbacks, but they got into a fight and one ran off with a couple of females to start his own group. After about 3 hours of hiking we heard via walkie-talkie that the trackers had the family in their sights and we made a bee-line through a swampy area to get to them. I am finding it difficult to put into words how amazing it is to see these animals just hanging around being a family together. Babies rough housing and rolling around together and then scampering off into their mother's arms, females tending to the mighty silverback (who never looked directly at us but you could sense he was aware of our every move), and younger males eating pounds of leaves. Gorillas will consume anywhere from 130-170 pounds of greenery each day.

After staying with the gorillas for an hour (the max one is allowed), and through a rain storm (gorillas do not frolic in the rain, but prefer to wait it out in the thick underbrush), my group made its decent. It truly was a once in a life time opportunity and I am grateful I got the chance. I am almost embarrassed to be blogging about it as I can do it no justice. Forgive me.

Gorilla etiquette

When faced with mountain gorillas, here are a few things to keep in mind:

• Never look a gorilla directly in the eye.
• Never mimic a gorilla. You don’t speak their body language and something as simple as an arm raise, might signal something more menacing.
• If you are sick, you shouldn’t visit with gorillas. They are so similar to us genetically, that they can contract our diseases and spread them rapidly throughout their family group.
• Don’t ever piss off the silverback. He’s in charge and will charge you if he feels he, or his family, is being threatened.
• Don’t approach gorillas using walking sticks as poachers once used them as spears, and that has remained in their collected memory. (Walking sticks by the way are highly recommended when tracking the gorillas as they tend to congregate is hard to reach (and very muddy) areas.)
• When filming gorillas, do not use flash as the bright flashes freak them out, and could anger the silverback.
• If you have already forgotten, don’t do anything to piss off the silverback. Think of the silverback as the most ornery, senior member of your family who believes that everything revolves around them. Now add a few hundred more pounds, a ferocious growl, razor sharp teeth and that’s your silverback.
• Don't wear eyeglasses (or sunglasses) that you care about. Gorillas are known to take things off you.
• Try to wear muted colors. Gorillas apparently don't like yellow, but as far as I can tell, this is only speculation.
• I mentioned the silverback, right?

Killer instincts

Should you decide to go on safari while in Uganda, or visit some of its more remote places, there are a couple of important animal facts you need to keep in mind. The number one killer of humans on land, is the buffalo.* While it won't eat you, it will impale you and toss you around like a rag doll. It is best to lie flat on the ground should you encounter one, and wait it out.

The number one killer of humans in the water, is the hippo. While these portly beasts don't look scary (with their mouths closed), they are exceptionally fast. If you visit Queen Elizabeth National Park (one of Uganda's biggest), you will see lions and leopards and crocodiles, but keep in mind that it's not the animal with the biggest teeth you need to fear the most. And for goodness sakes, stay out of the water!

* mosquitoes are technically the number one killer of humans.

Yummy?

One of my favorite Ugandan foods also appeals to my childish side. It is called doodo and it tastes similar to dandelion greens. It can be sauteed, baked, or fried, but my preference? A big, steaming plateful of doodo.

Survivor training

Coming to Uganda during the rainy season means sudden, but short, downpours, overcast skies, muddied streets, and time for their delicacy: grasshoppers. You can either buy them fresh (yes, still hopping) and prepare them on your own or you can opt for the ready-killed-and-ready-to-eat from any number of street vendors. They are generally priced by the cupful, but considering I am a novice, I asked for a spoonful (cost 50 cents). Fried in oil, generously salted and dusted with onion powder (to help disguise the smell of the bug), they taste remarkably like stale movie theatre popcorn. Even the irritating sensation of getting a kernel lodged in a molar is replicated, but this time, it's with a leg or tentacle. As I picked my teeth afterwards, I tried to refrain from thinking too much about it.

Dog-free Uganda?

One of the most startling observations I have had since arriving in Uganda are the lack of dogs. In most of the up-and-coming countries I have traveled to, dogs are everywhere. They tend to follow the trash, and despite Kampala's efforts to "Keep It Clean", trash is easy to find. But the dogs are in hiding. Except for one local supermarket where I am still a little unsure of whether "dog meat" is meant to feed man's best friend, or if it is the reason I can't find any dogs around.

Uganda dining 101

Admittedly I have only been here a few days, so I am no expert, but for those of you considering traveling here, I have a few dining pointers. The currency is the shilling which is basically 2000 to 1 USD. You will want to make sure you have a bunch of small bills as most places (at least the ones I go to), don't have change for anything upwards of $20 USD. The cost of a meal at a nice restaurant is approximately $8 USD, but you can easily eat meals for less than $3 USD. The "rich people's" diet consists of very starch and carbo-heavy items (e.g. rice, beans, mashed plantains, white bread), so if you want a balanced meal, it is best to stay to a poor person's diet which is where you will find your vegetables. If you are a mzungu (like me), the assumption will be that you will want your meats fried, but stay with what the locals do, and go for the grill instead. Word of warning here ... you might not want to do a "grill sample" unless you really like offal. My suggestion is to stick to the pieces of meat which are recognizable. Most people speak English, so asking questions isn't a problem, but learning a few basics like "thank you" in Luganda will get you props (and perhaps an even bigger smile). There is a sizable Indian population because many relocated here when the railroad was being built, so samosas and curries are readily available. As a side note, I have been told that we are currently in the height of "cricket season" so I am off to find some tasty morsels before I leave on the gorilla trek.

A bird of a different color ...

One of the sights you will get used to seeing in and around Kampala are birds, but not your ordinary bird. Imagine a bird you see everyday (a pigeon or a chicken perhaps) and now make it stand three feet stand and be able to look you in the eye. Add to it some disgustingly phallic features and that is what perches on the street corners here. On the good side, I have yet to see many ne'er-do-wells loitering - perhaps because of these unsightly creatures. Perhaps everyone has mistreated a bird in their past life and they collectively fear that these birds have returned to exact revenge. It is really the first time in my life that I have been less fearful of bird droppings, and instead am worried that I am about to be mugged by one of these feathered felons. The polite name for this bird species is Maribou Stork. Sounds so much nicer than some of the names I gave it!

Into Africa

I have arrived in Uganda and am preparing my mzungu (non African) self to hit the streets of Kampala. This evening is a little extraordinary as I am going all out and staying at the Serena Hotel (one of Kampala's nicest). The last time I had anything to do with a Serena Hotel, it was in Kabul where the ex pats would go on Saturdays to enjoy electricity, brunch and a brief respite from the fact that we were in Afghanistan. That hotel was subsequently bombed, and there went our oasis. I am hoping for a better future for this Serena ... at least while I am here!